Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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