cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
