i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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