just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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