The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize