had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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