So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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