You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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