the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
