Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
