So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
