did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
