I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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