I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My vagina is very pro this idea
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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