i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
