I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
