peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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