it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
