So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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