My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
