My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
