woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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