I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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