I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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