just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
