Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
