I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
