I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
