Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
