Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How's work?
Spinning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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