I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have fence marks all over my body
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
