My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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