After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
