we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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