I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just pynch a tree in the face
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
