my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Randomize
