Swine flu. Run for my life!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
there is glitter all over my balls
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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