The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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