A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
