Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
