Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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