I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
