I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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