She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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