honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
