New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
