Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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