My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
