I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
