Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
