I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
