It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
