Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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