I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?