I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
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When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death