you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
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He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.