i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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