My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
