i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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