God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
