Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
