Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
